Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Sex Appeal

Few days ago I hired an auto for a couple of kilometers. I was graced with a young driver who wore shades, managed his hair at every 10 seconds and honked at every good looking feminine character. He did have a good taste in women I must admit. However I failed to appreciate his heroics when he almost killed a dog and rammed into a pole while trying to overtake a pink top on a scooty. After coming home I was biting into a ‘Sabudana Wada’ (well some titles should be better left within inverted commas, how does ‘Sago Pattice’ sound?) when on one of the TV channels a Hindi dubbing artist lent his voice to a program on the social life of monkeys,my thoughts drifted towards the other primates.
The males of the human species react specifically to the presence of feminine specimen of interest in the vicinity. If it’s a group of males, every male specimen tries to generate humor; the pitch of each individual voice is escalated to a level sufficient enough to reach the target receivers. The kind of jokes that earn claps and laughter here make you question the evolution of human cranial organs, however it occurs under an unwritten agreement, you cheer for me and I will cheer for you. If a guy is alone and talking over the phone, he tries to make it sound important and if it’s a subordinate might even display his prowess by being curt. Queen’s language is a preferable tool to impress the queen, who the guy hopes is overhearing the conversation. Then there are those who impress with knowledge bytes and philosophies, they hurl quotes, theorems and solutions to fish interest. Some try to bowl them over with disinterest and indifference by not recognizing their presence directly but through oblique gazes. Amongst the younger lot there is a stereotype nowadays, those with low waist jeans who believe in “moi” over “me” and probably even vent out their gasses by smsing ‘frt B-) ’. A couple of decades, and if the trend still continues a part of the species might even adapt by having curled fingers to key smses. Amongst these ‘Neondertals’ sleek gadgets, profiles and wallet sizes act as tools of wooing.
The ethnics aren’t insulated either. A couple of years ago a famous spiritual leader was on his Mumbai collection trip, err …Mumbai ‘sat-sang’ (well a satsang held on a Saturday night) trip. I was sitting in the 8th row, by the aisle. Two volunteers were conversing besides a bronze God placed in the aisle

A sari clad beauty and a kurta-jeans spectacled wonder

He: Nowadays the stress levels in the city are sky rocketing.
She: Yes everyone is so material minded the mall culture isn’t helping either.
He: With a remorseful and mature face (quiet antonymous to his natural features) Who is to blame? In colleges you teach them to compete, to grab and expose them to western culture on television. If you don’t indulge in the nonsense you aren’t cool.
She: Yeah, nowadays these collegians have a boyfriend or girlfriend right from the first year.He and She are final year students, the statement made seems more like, {“I am in my final year and single, probably because this is our version of a Saturday night out”}
She: They give in to the peer pressure and mess up with their lives {“I wish I could”}
He: You consider colleges with these western influences cool and hold scores in exams as the ultimate testimony to a kid’s character. {“My classmates make fun of me and I barely manage to pass, my mom scolds me when I attend Satsangs and praises a neighbor’s kid who is cool dude and scores well”}

An awkward silence,

He: So, are you all by yourself here? {“Are you single?”}
She: Yes. My friends don’t like attending these functions.
He: You could have asked your beau to join you. {“Just making sure whether you have a boy friend who doesn’t like these functions or don’t have one at all”}
She: I don’t have one.
He: Oh {Yaba daba dabi dooooo}, neither do I
He: I mean even I don’t have a girlfriend
She: Oh, He is here, let’s go
He :{ Fuck the god man} Wow, let’s go to the front row.

And then there is that endless list of those cliché mannerisms like moving the fingers across hair, smiling or laughing in a peculiar way, deepening those wrinkles on the forehead; displaying artistic skills with voice, brush, keyboard or a pen; leaning against the wall with a hand in the pocket and smoking pretending obliviousness to a passing chic. Well, a golden rule holds true, apart from the seasoned primates most of the rookies pretend to look elsewhere when they are sure the antonymous gender is staring.Now those who are struck by “Love”, they lock sights often and stare into each other’s eyes with intensity enough to melt a candle.

Even props are used in abundance. To mention a few, a neighbor’s /relatives (or even own) kid if cute attracts female attention and is used to demonstrate the sensitive side of the male primate. Cosmetics, deos, perfumes, vehicles, music systems in vehicles also serve the purpose. Executives have a peculiar way of sitting in a cab across the town roads with “I prefer a cab over car, or else can afford a car” look. Book shops, libraries, unisex gyms, salons and clubs are other arenas. If you wonder how certain books or music labels reach their sumptuous sales figures drop into an up market bookshop or library on a weekend evening.

He: {Lemme go through some good fiction titles, it keeps me glued while traveling, if I find something interesting I will note down the name and buy a pirated version}
Attendant: May I help you?
He: No thanks.
He: {Wow which is this thick one placed at the top shelf? should last me for months if I like it, the cover looks so beautiful} takes the book and goes through the title and preface {Yuck, who reads these books, retards, they should ban people from printing such boring titles.} Looks up, a gorgeous girl is looking fondly at the book and him. Pretends to browse more through the book with interest.
She: Great taste {I love geeks},
He: thanks {I find you delicious too}
She smiles and moves on towards the counter to pay her bill.
Attendant: This one is the latest in this series, critics say its better than the author’s last best seller.
He: Yep I will take this one.
He rushes towards the counter with the book in his hand.

And there’s a fem version to the story too. Well, primates develop their ways of doing things but the things done, however stylishly, are the same. As I conclude, my head tilts, eyebrows raise, forehead is laden with attitude and am smiling baby.

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